The Macan Turbo: A Shameless Want

"SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)" (sammauri)
11/11/2014 at 19:44 • Filed to: None

My parents just received a letter... It read:

Dear Sir or Madam,

We regret to inform you that your son or daughter has embarrassed human kind and disappointed the entire population of Oppositelock, including (but not limited to) moderators, commenters, authors, burners, and those stuck in "the grey". His or her offensive act is heinous in nature, and should be dealt with using extreme discretion as to avoid any added shame that may fall upon your family name. It seems that he or she has been lusting after the Porsche Macan Turbo. Unfortunately, the fact that the Macan Turbo is a Porsche makes no difference in this situation and shall do nothing to restore any respect upon him or her. We apologize for having to share such terrible news, but we must revoke his or her Oppo-Card. Please have your son or daughter send the card to the return address on the envelope. He or she has 7 days to do so. If this deadline is not met, the repercussions will be swift. He or she will be removed from the community with extreme prejudice.

All the best,

Well, I can't deny these accusations. There's someone at my school who has a black Macan Turbo, and I walk past it almost every day. I love it. I love it almost as much as I love the Cayenne Turbo S, and I love that one a lot.The Turbo S is the most fun I've ever had driving an SUV, and I've gone off-roading in a handful of Jeeps. The fact that it can cruise at double the state-wide legal limit with as much comfort as a normal SUV would have doing 60 is astounding*, and the noise. Fuck, for an SUV that's one of the best noises I've ever heard. I just want one. I want one bad. But there's something that I like about the Macan Turbo more as far as aesthetics go. I tend to prefer smaller SUVs and this one's about the size of a Range Rover Evoque, which I also quite like, so that seems to make sense. The proportions are like a better looking Infiniti FX, and that is certainly not a bad thing. There's nothing I don't like about it, visually. It's squat, angry, has hips you just want to caress with your hands as you dance the night away, and those tail lights are spectacular. Absolutely spectacular. I haven't driven one yet, but I would very much like to.

Well, I'm off to the post office to send back my Oppo-card. I haven't had any stamps in forever.

I guess this might be a bit of a farewell, since I'm not exactly sure what happens when your card gets revoked. "Extreme prejudice doesn't exactly sound pleasant... I'll leave you with a couple pictures of the car in question. Au revoir.

*Disclaimer: For legal purposes I am required to state that I was neither driving nor in the United States of America when this little fun fact was found out.

DISCUSSION (25)

Brian Silvestro > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:46

I want to love the Macan so much, I really do. It's so beautiful.

But it can only tow 1500 lbs, so fuck it.

Big Bubba Ray > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:46

Incoming Silvestro iiiiin 3.....2......1.....

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:48

I don't see what the problem is here. The Macan is a beautifully designed SUV; I want one as well, but I sure as hell not turning in my Oppo Card.

My citroen won't start > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:48

Kinja'd!!!

These wheels. They make me uneasy. I love the Macan

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 19:51

As someone who has never towed more than a Honda CB500, I don't even care.

I just want one, man. It's not like I can tow much the the Jeep either, and the Macan is way more my speed (which is preferably above 70mph without a shit ton of wind noise).

Brian Silvestro > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:51

BUT I CARE BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I HAVE TO JUSTIFY BUYING ONE

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Big Bubba Ray
11/11/2014 at 19:51

You timed that way too well... I'm a little bit afraid.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 19:54

BRIAN THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED IS BECAUSE YOU WANT ONE. FOLLOW YOUR HEART. ITS OKAY TO LOVE, BRIAN. ITS OKAY.

Brian Silvestro > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 19:55

Nah because I'd rather have a Cayenne GTS that'll tow my rally car.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 20:02

Not a Carenne Turbo S? I would go with the Turbo S. Trust me. It's a dream. My girlfriend's mom has one (her dad got it "for her mom" because he really wanted it but didn't need another car, but neither did she... Idk I don't always understand that family) and I drive it all the time.

It's my favorite SUV I've ever driven, and I've driven a Lamborghini LM002.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 20:03

If you're going to buy a Porsche, buy a real one, not this wagon wannabe. #yeah,ISaidit

carcrasher88 > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 20:03

Wait for the S Diesel. It's been confirmed to be offered in the US.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > My citroen won't start
11/11/2014 at 20:03

Yeah that does look a little funky...

Brian Silvestro > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 20:04

Clearly you've never stood next to a GTS while it launches. THE NOISE

Brian Silvestro > carcrasher88
11/11/2014 at 20:04

But the PDK is what's holding it back, not the engine.

My citroen won't start > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 20:04

No, you want a Transsiberia

carcrasher88 > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 20:11

Agreed.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
11/11/2014 at 20:20

This is the only issue: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2014-…

And the whole "not a real Porsche" thing.

Personally, I don't care either way. I like it.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Brian Silvestro
11/11/2014 at 20:29

A GTS definitely sounds better, there's no denying that, but I would still go Turbo S. Plus I could always get an Akrapovic exhaust for it to bring it up a notch.

With an Akrapovic titanium exhaust system and a tune, a Turbo S will have 571hp, 599 ft/lb of torque, a top speed of 186, and will do 0-61 in 4 seconds flat. It won't sound as good as a GTS with the same exhaust, but that is fucking mental.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
11/11/2014 at 20:32

Kinja'd!!!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 20:40

I forgot to add that last exclamation. thank you.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 20:47

i'll take one in blue right now

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 21:00

That's what they said about the 924/944/968 to an extent, and look where they are now. I won't listen to some stupid website about what a Porsche is. You know why? Because I know.

E92M3 > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/11/2014 at 22:24

I'm guilty as well. That's the best looking SUV out right now IMO. I'd even be happy with a Macan S. In white of course!

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
11/12/2014 at 01:15

Well then I'll be joining you, because I fucking love these cars so damn much. And frankly anyone who hates them is being silly.